A synonym is a word you use when you can’t spell the word you first thought of.
- Burt Bacharach
No matter how much cats fight, there always seem to be plenty of kittens.
- Abraham Lincoln
If you can’t convince them, confuse them.
- Harry S. Truman
There are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies, and statistics.
- Mark Twain
Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
- George Burns
I am an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house.
- Gabor
ARCHITECT is One who drafts a plan of your house, and plans a draft of your money.
- Ambrose Bierce
I either Get what I want or I change my mind.
- Anonymous
Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself.
- Roseanne
Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
- George Burns
Nine nice night nurses nursing nicely.
- Anonymous
Marriage is the only war where you sleep with the enemy.
- Gary Busey
Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love.
- Albert Einstein
Golf is a good walk spoiled.
- Mark Twain
I have lots of ideas. Trouble is, most of them suck.
- George Carlin
We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.
- Robin Williams
A difference of tastes in jokes is a great strain on the affections.
- George Eliot
I am short enough and ugly enough to succeed on my own.
- Woody Allen
Sex was the most fun I ever had without laughing.
- Woody Allen
We need an energy bill that encourages consumption.
- George Bush